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Disciplining a child is a very important but
perhaps one of the most difficult roles of a parent.
When done effectively, discipline provides a healthy
foundation for self-discipline throughout life.
Effective and positive discipline teaches and
guides children, it doesn't force and scare them.
Physical punishment may have an immediate effect,
but we believe there are better ways to teach
children than by hurting them.
Be prepared to work at it. Children often misbehave
to test the limits and learn what kind of behaviour
will be tolerated. Be patient; talk and listen
to your child.
Parenting can be stressful at times but it is
easier to cope when you also take proper care
of yourself.
As soon as you realize that you are getting angry,
stop what you are doing and make an effort to
calm down. Take a deep breath to help regain your
self-control. Wash your face or phone a friend
for support. If you can, find a reliable person
to babysit for a few minutes and go for a walk.
After you have calmed down, think about what
made you angry. What are the reasons behind your
child's misbehaviour? Is there anything you can
do to prevent this situation from happening again?
Think about ways you can reduce the stress on
you and your child.
When you have problems that you can't solve alone,
it is okay to ask for help. Talk to other parents
and childcare experts in your community. Violent
outbursts, setting fires, hurting pets, and stealing
are all signs of trouble. Get help with these
problems from an expert before the problems get
worse.
Encourage good behaviour. Try to prevent misbehaviour
fromhappening in the first place.
Make your home a safe place for your child to
play in and explore. Don't let your child get
too hungry, tired or bored. Set clear limits on
your child's behaviour with a few fair and simple
rules. Focus on safety. The rules should allow
children to explore and learn in a safe way.
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Make sure your child understands what you expect.
Explain the reason for the rule if the child is
old enough to understand. Be positive, and focus
on what to do, instead of what not to do. Teasing,
name-calling and insults can hurt as much as hitting;
don't compare your child negatively to other children.
Give children time to respond, they don't like
to stop doing things they enjoy. Give children
a chance to prepare for change. For example, try
saying "In five minutes, it will be time
to turn off the television and start your schoolwork."
Praise and encourage your children when they
do behave. Try saying "I like it when you
help your little sister." Show your approval
with hugs, kisses and smiles. Make sure that good
behaviour gets more of your attention than bad
behaviour.
Be a good role model, and live what you teach.
It doesn't make sense to hit a child for hitting
someone else.
Ignore minor incidents; learn to accept some
noise, clutter and attention-seeking behaviour.
Remember, mistakes happen.
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Never shake or toss a baby, even playfully. A
baby's neck is weak and shaking can result in
brain damage or death.
Respond to your baby's cries. They cry to communicate
their needs, such as for food, comfort or a clean
diaper.
Develop a daily routine around feeding, sleeping
and play to help your baby feel safe and secure.
Show your love and affection; cuddle, talk and
sing to your baby. Babies are too young to understand
limits and rules.
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Young children have short memories; gently remind
them about the rules to help them learn.
If your child begins to lose control, move close
and put your arm around the child. (This is also
a good way to deal with hitting, biting, or kicking.)
If necessary, gently hold your child with just
enough force to keep the child from getting hurt.
If holding makes the child angrier, then let
go, remain calm and wait until your child calms
down. This may be hard to do but it often works.
Tantrums are frightening for children. Be ready
to comfort your child when the anger turns to
tears.
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If your child is frustrated and unable to solve
a problem, try a different activity. For example,
take a restless child outside for some physical
activity.
Let children experience the consequences of their
actions if it is safe to do so. For example, say
"If you can't play with the blocks without
throwing them, the blocks will be put away."
Then follow through and put the blocks away if
the child continues throw to throw them. If your
child is doing something that is unsafe, you can
explain the consequences later, but remove your
child from danger immediately.
Use a "time out," removing a child
from a situation for refusing to follow the rules.
It can be effective with children between the
ages of two and 12 years. Take your child to a
safe, quiet place where the child can calm down
and regain control.
Explain that you are having a time out because
of the child's misbehaviour. Do not argue or discuss
at this point. When the child feels ready to try
again (or when five minutes have passed), bring
the child back to play. Praise the child's first
acceptable behaviour after time out.
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Problem solving and making choices help prepare
children for their teenage years. Offer choices,
this help them learn how to make decisions. Offer
simple choices, but don't threaten, for example,
say "You can wash the dishes or dry them.
You decide."
Teach problem solving. Help your child to define
the problem. Ask questions, such as "what
would happen if you tried to...?" Together,
think of some solutions. Choose the best one.
Afterwards, talk about what worked and what you
could try next time.
Solve problems together; as children approach
the teen years, they still need clear limits but
parents should be willing to negotiate a little.
When children start thinking for themselves, their
talking back may anger you. However, to keep communicating,
parents must do more listening and more explaining
with older children. Work with your children to
solve problems together.
Excerpted with permission from the Child
Welfare League of Canada brochure "Discipline
without Hurting." |
